Buried

The joy of vanishing
Into nothingness,
Being buried under
The maddening chaos,
To rest in peace,
In divine silence,
Away from the brutality,
And the agony of mere existence.

My only means
Of escape,
From this place,
Would be to wither
And perish,
And cease to have a face.

And I’m unafraid,
Of what comes after,
For I have already seen hell,
Though I’m curious to know how,
The living ones would react,
After I’ve bid my farewell.

They’ll shed a few tears,
Write a touching speech,
They’ll bury me under the earth,
And then I’ll be forgotten.
And soon I’ll be decayed and rotten,
Death may bring its own pain with it,
But I’d still embrace it.

For death will be,
The end of this present,
Where I’m chained in a society,
It will be the end of a future,
That gives me anxiety,
And the end of a past,
That’s destroyed my sanity.

Unfurled

I got so much to say to the world,
I wouldn’t know where to begin,
I’m starting to get myself unfurled,
And bring out emotions from within,
Peel the layers of my skin,
Wipe the pride off my chin,
And throw caution to the wind.

Tears that hadn’t flowed,
Turn into raging flames in my blood,
Floods of hate in my gut,
Unspoken words trapped in my throat,
Almost like my mouth had been sewn shut.

Pain in shards that cut me up inside,
Stains of the past that cover up and hide,
Moments in time I had pretended and lied,
Flashes of fear as I slowly died.

Suffocated to my core,
Like I was trapped in a bottle,
And thrown into the sea,
But now that I have washed ashore,
I have been set free,
And I’m going to unfurl all of me.

Falling Raindrop

On every falling raindrop I see your face in grey,
I’m trapped in a looping memory, freeze and replay,
I narrow my eyes and trudge through the rain,
I stagger and fall for I can’t see through the pain.

Time cannot heal me; this pain won’t fade away,
It only swells on the inside with every tormenting day,
Eating my dead soul and ripping me apart,
Gnawing at what’s left of my broken heart.

I’m flipping the pages, counting the days,
Veiling the tears streaming down my face,
If I could only spin and fly back in time,
Back to the days when you were still mine.

If I could just bring you back and hold you right now,
If our distance and troubles just vanished somehow,
If you could see my tears through the rain tonight,
If you would hold my hand and say it’s alright.

Then the falling rain drops would turn into red roses,
The thunder would clap as the gap between us closes,
But then I open my eyes to find you’re not around,
And I watch the falling rain drops die on the ground.

It hurts like hell; I’ve submerged in a flood,
Watch me get drenched in a shower of blood,
Cut myself open with the kiss of a knife,
I can’t mend my heart, so I’m ending my life.

Dark Place

You just stomp into my space,
And rip the smile off my face,
You are the reason every word
I say comes from a dark place.

And on this I try to reflect,
As you try to get me to deflect,
From my intended plan to break
Free of your abuse and neglect.

You got me wrecked,
And yet you want my respect,
But you should know that
What you can’t give, you don’t get.

I fantasise death,
Feels like a better place to be,
Should I leap off a building,
Or just drown in the sea.

I’m addicted to daydreaming,
That’s like my only escape,
From the life I so hate,
I just choose to dissociate.

I take comfort in movies and books,
And the food my loving abuser cooks,
Music and rap does help a lot,
Often I try to give my writing a shot.

The recurring themes in my writing,
Death and escape are all I’d be citing,
Freedom is the only word I find exciting,
And for this freedom I shall die fighting.

And fight I did until I broke free,
The one chance I got, I decided to flee,
I ran away to a place as far as can be,
And waited to begin life as the new me.

But the past is still a part of you,
It bites you, it taunts you,
Seeps through every crevice,
Merciless, it haunts you.

Nightmares, rage, and anxiety,
Migraine attacks and insecurities,
Hallucinations and complex PTSD,
Out of body experiences and BPD.

I thought I was free now,
That I had begun a new phase,
But thanks to you who raised me,
I’ll always be stuck in a dark place.

Fade to Black

My mind fades to black,
As I choke on every scream I held back,
I throw on a veil, and pick a bag to pack,
And I jump the gates.
I got a train to catch.

The life I lived in Saudi Arabia,
Is the story behind my claustrophobia,
Like a pretty bird locked in a golden cage,
This is the story behind my rage.

Lavishly bathed in luxury and gold,
My every move is harshly controlled,
Veiled in black from head to toe,
Locked indoors, nowhere to go.

I have no voice, I have no say,
I’m threatened with lashes and death,
If I dared to disobey,
And all I ever want to do is run away.

Innocent hostage confined in jail,
Unspoken darkness under the veil,
Shedding tears all day, I yearn for freedom,
I’m desperate to leave the Saudi kingdom.

There is fire in my veins,
I’m like a princess in chains,
And to set myself free,
I must unveil the beast in me.

My wedding is arranged,
With a man I have never met,
All the plans are being made,
Without my consent.

My voice fades to black,
I can take this abuse no more,
I had to find a way,
To walk out the door.

I find my window of opportunity,
As they escort me out of the country,
While they’re busy shopping for my wedding,
I have other plans on where I’ll be heading.

My plans are taking shape,
I have one chance to escape,
My heart fades to black, it’s beating so fast,
But I know I’m going to be free at last.

I pack a bag and run away,
Find my own place to stay,
Take up a job for bills to pay,
And live my life my own way.

And so I’m independent and free today,
I would never give this life away,
But the darkness of the past lingers to play,
And I still have so much more to say.

So I’ll keep writing my story as I go,
I’ll keep writing for the world to know,
And as I play these memories back,
I watch my numbness fade to black.

Writer’s Unblock

I take a deep breath to clear my head,
A long silent moment to block out the noise,
I flip my laptop open on my bed,
And try to find my writer voice.

I’m staring at a blank white screen,
The only progress being the time on the clock,
And in my head, I’m aching to scream,
A classic case of writer’s block.

They say the only way to break the lock,
Is to write the first thing that’s on your mind,
So I write about my writer’s block,
And voila, my first post is written and signed.